I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
