Apparently you make a good broom.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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