just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
