i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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