If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
