You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
