textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
