I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
