i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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