These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
