Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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