im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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