It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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