So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
