I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
