Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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