I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
