Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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