I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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