I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
