me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I want a musical about memes.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
