whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
