i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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