In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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