Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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