why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
