***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
There's always time for handjobs
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
