Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
