Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
