In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just pee around me
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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