tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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