...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
