made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
