There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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