Can Purell be used as lube?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
