She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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