looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
