the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Houston, we have a squirter
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
