I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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