Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
