Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
There's always time for handjobs
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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