Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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