I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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