Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
