Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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