what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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