I am spending my child support on dildos
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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