does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
zippers are such a cool invention
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
