i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Duck Duck Cougar?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
