just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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