how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
