Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
